She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
