So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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