And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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