so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
