Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
