I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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