Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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