it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
