Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
