Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
