i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's shark week go big or go home
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
