i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
