We're facebook friends in real life
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
