Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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