Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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