Just fell off a train. Bad.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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