Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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