roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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