We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
