Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
