Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
