i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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