Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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