How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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