On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
