True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
