i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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