she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
