Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
