I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
