If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
