Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
