apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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