just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
