I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
