Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
