The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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