Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
