omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I love having hate sex.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
