So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
