I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
