i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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