He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
