If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize