So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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