I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
