I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
