You smell like stripper and shame
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
