At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
