Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
