her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
